


Night Ride

by still_lycoris



Category: Blackadder
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-05
Updated: 2012-01-05
Packaged: 2018-04-12 10:32:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4476071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the time of king Arthur, a knight and his squire take their leave from Camelot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Ride

“Sir,” Squire Baldrick said, his voice plaintive. “Sir, can I ask you a question, Sir?” 

“You can ask, Baldrick,” Knight Blackadder said, his voice heavy with derision. “You can ask me many questions. I may, however, in my intense frustration at having to hear your whining voice, decide to answer them by kicking you off your horse into that pile of mud, where you belong.”

“Well Sir,” Squire Baldrick said. “Why are we out on this cold and wet night instead of in Camelot where it’s nice and warm?”

Knight Blackadder kicked him off his horse. Squire Baldrick floundered gently for a while as Knight Blackadder spoke.

“We are out here, Baldrick, because Camelot is about to become about as unpleasant as your underpants.”

“Oh dear, Sir,” Baldrick said. 

“Oh dear indeed,” Knight Blackadder said. “Tell me, Baldrick, in that small and dark corner of your head where you keep the mouldy potato that passes for your brain, have you noticed a knight named Lancelot?”

“Oh Sir, everybody’s noticed Sir Lancelot,” Baldrick said happily. “Truly he is the mightiest and bravest knight of all the knights of the Round Table put together.”

Knight Blackadder kicked him back into the mud with an explosive snort.

“Knight Lancelot is an arrogant toerag who thinks the world revolves around him. And sadly, when it comes to the women of the court and idiots like yourself, he is pretty darn right. Apparently, they believe his ability to wave a big stick around his head means that he’ll be able to wave his other big stick around just as nicely. Unfortunately for them, Knight “I’m Lancelot and I lance a lot!” only has eyes for our beloved Queen, Guinevere.”

“Lady Guinevere is the most beautiful, gentle lady in all the land,” Baldrick said helpfully.

“She’s also bonkers,” Knight Blackadder said.

“Oh Sir,” Baldrick said reprovingly. “How can you say that?”

“Because anyone who is impressed by Lancelot must be,” Knight Blackadder said grumpily. “Especially if they are already married to King Arthur.”

“But Sir,” Baldrick said. “You once said that King Arthur was very stupid.”

“Quite right, Baldrick,” Knight Blackadder said. “King Arthur is so stupid that he can barely put his own socks on every morning. Unfortunately, King Arthur has a son who is not so stupid. And this son has had the clever plan of mentioning to King Arthur that his wife and his idiotic lancer were busy having more sex than two rabbits that have taken performance enhancing drugs in the mating season. And thus, we are riding away from Camelot hastily before the shit hits the metaphorical fan. Now get out of that mud and back on your horse. I want to be well away by morning.”

Baldrick obeyed and they rode on into the dark and wet night.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the 2012 12dayschristmas challenge on Livejournal.


End file.
